Get this thing off of me
Hope everyone had an enjoyable Halloween. Wanted to start today with an alarming trend. Too many of you are dressing your dog up as if it were human. Your dog is a dog. It comes from the wild. It hasn't evolved the way we as humans have and probably doesn't appreciate you treating him like an infant child. He doesn't even look cute. He looks miserable. Just because your significant other won't commit, move in, or take the next step in your relationship, doesn't mean you need to pretend your dog is a baby in a demented game of house. Doggie yoga is a horrible idea. Your dog is not really a vegetarian. It prefers meat over tofu and soy. It would rather eat its own feces! And most of the time, it will! Come on. Your dog just wants to eat, shit, sleep, and destroy your stuff. It's a simple animal. Every time I see a dog in a Cosby sweater, or worse, a Halloween costume, I imagine he will lick his ass extra good before coming in to lick your face. Be careful the next time you force a pair of khakis on your canine, for he may be plotting a time to tear a hole in your windpipe. Your dog doesn't need to wear a beret and spritzing it with your CK perfume isn't doing him any favors. Do you have any idea what would happen to your dog in the pound? You don't want to know. Dog Vader is NOT a good idea. Expect a tootsie roll on your pillow or your dog to run far, far away before your next scheduled doggie oil massage.
Kim calls it quits
If you're the kind of person who would dress up their dog, I'm guessing you would also follow along with the Kardashians and their contrived, forced brand of "reality". Here's a wake up call for you. None of it is real. None of it. Their job (lol) is to make you believe that this drama actually exists in their lives. It doesn't. They make more money than we mortals can imagine. Cameras follow their every move. None of us can relate to their "real" lives so they manufacture drama. And you eat it up. Let's not forget the only reason this skank is famous is because she nailed Brandy's brother and let him film/release it to the public. Brandy's brother! And you're surprised that she's splitting from some NBA spare who you had never heard of prior to their relationship? I'm done. I've had bowel movements last longer that their marriage. Coincidentally, from now on, I will be calling my B.M.s "Kardashians".
"Why were you late for today's meeting, Mike"
"Real sorry, Bob. I had to take a huge Kardashian. Chili last night." *winks*
It can't be long now
Last week I had heard rumblings of a Scott Weiland Christmas album. That would be Scott Weiland, lead singer of Stone Temple Pilots. The same Scott Weiland known primarily for his past battles with hard drugs and various rehab stints. Well, I ignored the rumors and couldn't believe for one moment that one of the great front men to come out of 90's rock would go all Bing Crosby on us all. And then I opened my mail yesterday. It's true. And it's horrifying. No wonder Gen X is so effed in the head. Look at what has happened to our heroes! Axl has had more work done than Joan Rivers and Weiland is crooning "Winter Wonderland". By the way, before you ask, "White Christmas" is track 3. He doesn't have a problem, he just likes the way it smells...hard.